28

It’s the night before my birthday, and all I can think about is 28. Twenty-eight. The number doesn’t sound quite right coming off the tip of my tongue. Maybe it’s because I don’t feel like I’m turning 28. It’s not necessarily that I feel old or younger than that age. It’s because I’ve always felt like I was falling behind compared to everyone else. I feel like I’m at a place, mentally, that I should have been in a few years ago. Nonetheless, I’m the most myself I’ve ever been, and it feels great. Even though I’m not 30, which is traditionally a big age milestone, I feel like I’m closing a chapter and starting a new one. 

I’m still trying to figure my shit out. I’m much less of a mess of a human being than I used to be, but I still have a long way to go. If I’m being completely honest with myself, and with all of you, I am very proud of all that I’ve achieved and who I’ve become during these first 28 years of my life. 

In just the past year, I’ve grown so much, and for that I’m so grateful and extremely proud of myself. While I still struggle with anxiety, it’s not all consuming like it used to be. On top of that I feel a lot more secure in who I am as a person. After constantly making myself smaller for other people, I don’t feel the need to do that anymore. I have found a group of people who I not only love and respect, but I know they feel the same way about me. While finding balance has always been a continuous struggle, I’m better at managing all the things I try to juggle in my life. 

I traveled, I dated, I’ve kept up with this blog for the past 6 years, I switched therapists (not by choice, but I was still there for the ride), and spent time with my friends & family. More recently, I added a boyfriend to the mix.

My first boyfriend in years. After dating around and finding people I was completely incompatible with, I thought I was going to be single for the rest of my life. I know, I know, I’m being a little bit dramatic, but the dating scene is frustrating nowadays! It was even harder seeing most of my friends in happy long-term relationships. Most of them found their person before the apps were really popular. I felt like I was the designated single friend in my friend group. And the longer I went without finding someone I made a genuine connection with, the more unlikely it felt that I would find someone for me.

I was lucky enough to find someone through mutual friends at a party this past winter. And somehow, he turned out to be an amazing person. Someone I am completely compatible with. I feel like he just gets me. We click so seamlessly, and it’s something my friends have all talked about with their significant others, but it was something I never thought I would find myself. And yet I found an amazing person that has stayed by my side through the ups and downs of my life. He’s the only person I’ve dated that doesn’t make me anxious at all. I am 100% my true self with him, and boy does it feel good. After hiding the less flattering parts of my personality and mental health struggles, it’s very freeing to have someone who accepts everything that makes me who I am. The good and the bad. He’s so amazing, I swear I dreamt him up myself!

While my life isn’t exactly what I envisioned for myself, which I have mentioned time and time again, I’m not mad at it. While there are things here and there that I wish I had achieved and checked off my list by now, I try not to think of myself as a failure. It is a bit difficult to do when I’m so hard on myself, but I just have to keep reminding myself that I will check off all of my goals soon. It’s a work in progress, and it’s okay to not hit them when you originally anticipated. Things have been complicated in the world right now (and have been for a few years now), and life just isn’t always going to go the way you thought they would. I’m not a failure because I didn’t hit all of my major goals before hitting 28. I’m honestly pretty happy right now, and I’m trying not to let these minor setbacks ruin that happiness.

But in the end, Happy Birthday to me. Let’s see what I do in the next year.