Dear Diary 012 [BLM, reopening of NJ, my birthday, new passion project & how I'm feeling now]

This month has been quite a whirlwind. I'm so used to rambling about what's going on in my life, when I write these types of posts. This time...I'm still at a loss for words. I have so many feelings about everything, but I haven't been able to come up with an eloquent way to express myself lately.

While, people keep making jokes that 2020 has been a mess of a year, from my eyes, it has seemed to be the year for big changes. When the Coronavirus first started, I wrote about how staying home has allowed me to self-reflect, and just work on improving myself. I was seeing a positive change in my self-confidence. I know from talking to some of my friends, that I wasn't the only person to feel that way.

When I realized I was starting to feel more positively about myself, it hit me that while 2020 hasn't been what I expected it would be, that wasn't necessarily a bad thing?

BLM

....then the Black Lives Matter movement really blew up. While Black Lives Matter has been around for a while now, you could tell that it was slowly growing momentum with the deaths of Ahmaud Arbery & Breonna Taylor (may they rest in peace). Then with the death of George Floyd, complete and utter outrage ensued. People couldn't believe the brutality they were watching. People who have never spoken out about racism, police brutality, and Black Lives Matter were speaking out.

There was an influx of allies for the Black Community. People were protesting in all 50 states, and internationally. This kind of support has never been seen before. There were charities saying that they had more than enough donations, and were redirecting them to other charities that needed the funds. I was so happy to see all people trying to work for change.

During this time, I really looked in at myself, and wondered if I was the best ally I could be. I was ashamed, when I thought about all the things I could be doing in my life to be a better ally. The list was endless. There was so much more to learn & unlearn. I was posting on social media to share some of the things I was learning. I was donating to charities. Going to Protests (which were all peaceful). I've had some pretty difficult conversations. I've made sure to reach out to my Black friends, to see how they were doing, letting them know I was here for them if they want to talk, vent, etc.

I've been doing the absolute best I can be doing. And yet, I feel like it's still not enough. There are still people dying because of racism and police brutality. People are still living in fear. I feel helpless.

I've been continuing to learn, and donating whenever I can afford to. I'm really hoping that things change. Enough is enough.

Coronavirus & the reopening of NJ

Cases are continuously going down in NJ, and things are officially finally opening up. Non-essential business are open at a reduced capacity (you have to wear a mask). Restaurants are open for outdoor-dining only (servers and other restaurant workers have to wear a mask). Things are slowly going back to a new normal.

I've still been really hesitant to go out. Just because the political figures in charge are opening the state again, does not mean that it's necessarily safe. We are still living in a pandemic, and you can see that other states are already getting a second wave of the Coronavirus.

In the same breathe, I'm selfishly happy that they gave us the green light. I've hung out with one of my best friends on a few occasions, and have expanded my "quarantine circle". Me & Jill (one of my best friends) went to a local business this weekend, and were happy that it wasn't too busy. We actually ate outside in their seating area. It was the first semi-normal thing I've done in months.

While I'm slowly expanding my quarantine circle, I really hope that NJ doesn't get hit with a second wave of the Coronavirus as bad as Florida does.

New Passion Project

I've had this idea running through my mind for most of quarantine. If I was being really honest with myself, I know this idea has been on my mind for a while now.

I finally told my sister about it. She was more supportive than I could have imagined. I didn't immediately act on working on it.

A few weeks later I brought it up to Jill, and she was super supportive. She was so excited about it, and told me that she would help me out with anything I needed.

I took the plunge.

At this point in time, I'm beyond excited. I think it's a great idea, and I think that people are going to love it too.

I know I'm being super vague, but I'll definitely give you guys more information as I get closer to launch.

Just know that this has been really driving me to do better, and I'm beyond excited.

Turning 26

In the middle of all the craziness going on, I turned 26! It's kind of weird to have a birthday during something so historical happening. My birthday just seemed so insignificant in comparison.

I went though the normal anxiety that I get at the thought of running out of time. I didn't really sleep so well the night beforehand. My "life flashed before my eyes". I was thinking of all the major peaks and pits of my life, which was interesting to look back on.

My birthday itself was chilled. I usually travel for my birthday, so being home while being quarantined was an interesting experience for sure. I went to work, came home, painted while drinking some wine, and had some unexpected guests from a Jill & my aunt. My sister & mom made me three cakes, which was super over the top, but deep down I loved it.

How I'm feeling now

These last few months have been extremely eventful and uneventful at the same time. I've been feeling a bit all over the place if I'm being completely honest. I feel like my mental health hasn't been the best. My anxiety is all over the place, and I'm constantly feeling overwhelmed, among other feelings.

I'm coping the best I can with some exercise, reading, painting, blogging, working on my project, and other things.

It definitely hasn't been the easiest, but I'm trying to make the best of it all. I feel like with everything going on, it's been extremely difficult to "turn off". Last year, I was making the change to spend less time on social media, and just spend more life in the now.

but, with everything happening with the Black Lives Matter movement, it was super important to stay up to date with what was happening, while also continuing to inform people.

I've been working on finding the balance between staying informed and learning new information, while not spending too much time on social media.

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Well, I spend a lot of time rambling & talking, and if you made it to the end, I really appreciate you. I can't wait to tell you a bit more about my new project. How are you all doing? Let me know! Sending you all love, strength, and positivity.