Quality vs. Quantity in Friendships
Growing up as a people pleaser, I wanted everyone to like me. I thought if I acted a certain way, I would win anyone over. I carried on with this sentiment for much longer than I should have.
During high school, I had friends from all different types of cliques. I thought it was cool to have all these different people like me. I did have some solid friendships at the time. None of them were as strong as the ones I have now.
The moment you leave high school you realize who's your friend out of convenience, and who's your friend, because they genuinely care about your friendship. Most of the friendships I had in high school fizzled the moment we lost the ease of seeing each other daily at school.
I know what exactly in my life has caused me to feel like I needed to be surrounded by people to stop myself from feeling lonely.
It wasn't until I started going to therapy that I realized that just because I had a lot of "friends", did not mean that the friends that I had were necessarily good friends. While I did have some amazing friends, I also had some that weren't necessarily a right fit for me long term.
Through drama, friend breakups, and just natural drifting away, I had succeeded in creating a group of people in my life that I love, respect, and at the end of the day make me feel good to be their friend.
I wrote a little about this last year in a blog post talking about "finding my people". These weren't the only good friends I had in my life, but this was a friend group that I had joined and have never felt anything but welcomed, loved, and not judged. Throughout this past year, I have only gotten closer to that group. I am eternally grateful to my best friend, Erika, for introducing me to such a wonderful group of people!
While I still have a larger than average group of friends, it's different now. I used to feel anxious about hanging out with certain people (putting on a mask can get exhausting). Now, I feel completely at ease at the thought of hanging out with my friends. They love and care for me, just like I do them.
I don't need the validation of hearing from them everyday (even though I always look forward to hearing from them). There are no "games" or drama involved with the relationships I now hold.
One of the major benefits of growing up is finding your tribe, if you hadn't already. I was lucky enough to have found half of my tribe at a young age. Then, I completed my tribe throughout my 20's!
If you still haven't found the people you can talk to about anything and everything. The ones you can not talk to for ages, and go back to chatting as if no time has passed. Who will support your hopes and dreams. Love you without judgement. Don't worry, just don't settle. Your tribe will come around.
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Finally, a special shout out to my best friends. I don't know what I would do without you. Eternally grateful for each and every one of you. Christina, Jill, Erika, Melissa, Chanee, Shayla, Sofia, Nicholas, Jamie, Patty, Liana and Jen; this one's for you. I love you all so much, and I hope you realize it.
I'm so glad you found your own tribe of best friends who you don't feel you have to pretend around. I have a hard time keeping up with friendships sometimes, getting married in my early twenties kind of put a wedge between me and some of my friends that were in different places in life. I stopped getting invited to go out, and a lot of those people left my life. But I'm starting to build up my tribe again, slowly!
I can imagine it was harder to stay close to some of your close friends because you were going through such different stages in your lives. It's still sad to hear that they stopped inviting you places! I know for a fact if i'm ever close to your neck of the woods I'll definitely hit you up so we can meet up (well, if you're interested in that, of course!). I'm happy to hear that you're rebuilding your tribe again 🙂 x
It kind of sucked, but it also showed me who my true friends were. A couple stuck around at least! Yes that would be awesome! One day when things are a little more normal I'd love to actually meet you in person. I keep telling my husband I need to visit New York someday..
We'll meet eventually 🙂 x
This post touched my heart in a way that a blog post hasn't done in a while. Thank you for writing about such a personal topic. I've always been embarrassed about the fact that I don't have a group of 'girl friends', you've helped me realize that just because it didn't happen in my teens doesn't mean that it won't happen in my 20's Great post, again. Thank you!
In high school, I had a lot of friends, but then drama started & I realized that quality friendships is much better than quanitity. In college, I was nice to everyone in my dorm, but I had a small group of close friends & we did everything together & that was amazing.
I'm glad you learned early on that it was better to have a small group of close great quality friends! It took me much longer than i'd like to admit to come to the same realization. Thanks so much for reading, commenting, and sharing your personal experience 🙂 x
I have definitely learned over the years not to settle. I have had some toxic relationships but I have definitely put them behind me. I have friendships I know we can go months without speaking and it be like a day ago etc. I am also a people pleaser, but learning not to be.
Thank you for sharing this lovely post.
Lauren | http://www.bournemouthgirl.com
Thank you so much for telling me about your experience on this topic! I'm so glad you have been able to put those toxic experiences behind you. Thanks so much for reading and commenting : )x
You definitely realise who your friends are when you leave school! I'm not actually friends with anyone I went to school with anymore because when I started suffering with bad mental illness, they basically all left me. Quality is everything in friendships x
I'm so sorry that you had a bad group of friends that didn't support you when you needed it most! I've been fairly lucky to have some friends who have been with me for over 15 years! I hope you have a great supportive group of friends now 🙂 Thanks so much for reading and commenting ! xx
Yees, on the other hand sometimes it's not so easy to find some true friends or to know how to improve relationships.
P.S. Good progress from your side! 👌
Thanks! and thank you so much for reading and commenting 🙂 x
I totally agree that when it comes to friendships, quality wins every time. I was always a people pleaser growing up too. I also tend to be more of an introvert. But I was lucky to find some lifelong friends early on. Unfortunately they live far away, but we still keep in touch and can talk like no time is passed.
I'm sorry to hear that you live so far away from your friends, but I'm glad to hear that when you chat it feels like no time has passed at all. Thanks so much for reading and for sharing your experience with me 🙂 x
I have not found my tribe yet, at least not one that I can actually do things with because I have moved away from the friends I had in college and in teaching. Now my new friends are bloggers and I am separated from getting to know them in person because of the pandemic. Very beautiful article! I’m glad you found your tribe. 💗
I'm sorry to hear that you haven't found your tribe yet! It can make life feel so lonely, especially in such a tricky time we're living in at the moment. I hope that you can find your people soon! It's good that you at least have some blogger friends that you can chat with:) Sending you all the good vibes! Thanks so much for reading and commenting 🙂 xx
I used to be a people pleaser like you. But now I only want to have quality people and non toxic people around. Sometimes by being too friendly you can catch up the worst people by your side.
I've definitely been caught up in people pleasing and then hanging out with the wrong people. Now I'm definitely more cautious about who I bring into my life. Thanks so much for reading and commenting 🙂 x
OH this post is so, so relatable. I am a huge people pleaser as well ahah. I think as you grow up, you realize, like you said, who's your friend out of convenience, and who really is here for you no matter what and will continue to be as you go on with life. It's so good and so important to keep these people close and it doesn't matter if it's just one person instead of 10. It's the quality of relationships that matter, yes! <3
Yes, you're so right! I hope you have found your people as well! Thanks so much for reading and commenting 🙂 x
I adore this post! And I feel like everyone needs to read it! It is so true! Thank for sharing! <3
Thank you so much! I'm so glad to hear that you enjoyed this post! Thanks so much for reading and commenting 🙂 x
Indeed quality over quantity. I did the same until my high school, too many friends cause too much drama. In university I was firm to be friendly with everyone but makes good friendship with people whom I'm comfortable with. And it was the best decision
You definitely were smarter than me! I definitely didn't learn my lesson until after college unfortunately. I can definitely say that I'm a lot more cautious about who I bring into my life now. Thanks so much for reading and commenting 🙂 x
I used to have a really large circle of friends in my teen years but now I have very few, but very good ones and I much prefer having that dynamic!
🌿 Marissa Belle × marsybun.com 🌿
I'm so glad to hear that you have found your people! I definitely prefer my friend group now over how it was in the past. Thanks so much for reading and commenting 🙂 x
I went through a period of time where I only had a few friends which was very unusual for me as I was used to being part of a huge friendship group. It was during this time that I discovered that the few friendships I did have meant more than having lots of half-assed friendships. Having said that, I now have a nice balance of a good number of friends - but all those friendships are of a good quality x
Roni | myelevatedexistence.com
I feel like when you are in those uncomfortable places in your life, you come to the strongest realizations. I'm glad you have found your people! Thanks so much for reading and sharing your experience 🙂 x
I used to be a big people pleaser too, I think I still am to some level but I am very happy to have found my own very small group of people!
I'm glad that you have found your group! Thanks so much for reading and commenting 🙂 x
Yeah. I think everyone has struggled with wanting people to like them, wanting to have cool friends and people pleasing. Yeah, finishing highschool I couldn't even brag that I had friends because not many people knew me. Now in uni, I have a group of friends I'm grateful for but sometimes I feel like they are not genuinely my friends but only with me for some specific reasons.
I'm sorry to hear you feel that way, and I really hope that they are being friends with you for genuine reasons! No matter what, listen to your gut. Remember, if these people aren't the ones for you, you'll meet them soon enough:) Just keep being your amazing self! Thanks so much for reading and sharing your experiences xx
Thanks, I hope they are too. I've met some other cool people during this lockdown and things seems to be going well.
This felt like I had written it because it's SO relatable! I was a big people pleaser - I wanted everyone to like me and acted as a chameleon that could easily change colour to suit whoever I was with. It made me feel better about myself and as you said, less lonely. You definitely realise when you leave school, a job or move house, who your real friends.
Many are convenience friends, wanting you around while it suits them. I'm glad you've found people who you can be yourself around. A great point you mentioned as well on not needing validation of hearing from your friends everyday. I think it really says something when you feel close to people without constant communication. xx https://www.thestyleoflaurajane.com/
I feel like being a chameleon is such a talent, but at the same time, I struggled finding the people that made me happy. Thanks so much for reading and sharing your personal experience with this topic! Hope you're doing well 🙂 x