Feeling Lost

I've been feeling a bit lost. I assume that's not a unique feeling to have in 2020 during the middle of a world-wide pandemic. Nonetheless, I still feel this way.

As someone who lives with anxiety, it's completely normal to feel a degree of anxiety on a daily basis. As of late, I've been feeling a heightened sense of anxiety.

There are a number of reasons I could be feeling this way.

It could be that the presidential election is less than a month away, and I can't even consider any other outcome other than Donald Trump losing the 2020 election. I actually had a panic attack in 2016 when he won the election. I had to go to the emergency room.

It could be the passing of Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and her seat being filled by a person unfit to be a justice on the supreme court.

It could be the stress of still trying to find the correct balance to live during this quarantine.

There are a number of other things I could name that are making my anxiety worse. It wasn't until I was journaling last night that realized that I've been feeling lost.

I've been feeling extremely unaccomplished.

I'm not comparing this to other people's achievements, or maybe I am? I'm not completely sure. At this point in my life, I thought I would be somewhere other than where I'm at right now.

I know this year has been a difficult year for everyone, but I still can't help but feel I should be in a better position in life than where I currently am.

It's a weird thing to feel, know that I shouldn't be too hard on myself considering everything that's happened in the year of 2020.

I just can't help it. My mind just won't shut up.

Late at night I think about all the things that should have been checked off my achievements list by now.

I'm 26 and not only do I still live with my parents, but I have never lived anywhere other than with them. Sometimes I feel like I missed out on that college experience of living in a dorm with friends, and being completely independent.

I work in a family business. While there are a lot of benefits to working in a small family business, I never had to work to get the job. I was born into the job. It's weird thinking that I've never had to apply to a job, or that I never had that separation of work and home.

I work with my family, I live with my family, and talking about work happens at all hours. It definitely gets exhausting, and has continued to take a larger toll on my mental health.

Not only that, but my romantic relationships are completely non-existent. It's something that I'm constantly reminded of. It's a thought that always hiding in the corner of my mind, nagging at me when I least expect it.

And while a lot of these things going on in my life aren't new developments, I feel like it's been getting to me more as of late. It could be because of the fact that I've been feeling much more anxious.

The thoughts that come with the winter blues have a way of reminding me what I am lacking in my life.

I'm hoping to get out of this funk sooner rather than later. For now, I'm going to keep trying to remind myself that I'm doing the best I can in this moment, and hope that eventually I'll believe it.