How did I not know?

I’m in the best relationship I’ve ever had, and I’m still baffled. How did I get so lucky? Not only that, but how did I allow myself to settle for such shitty relationships beforehand?

I feel like all my past relationships (except the one good one I had for a short time) had these giant red flags. Red flags so bad, that I should’ve run. Far, far away. And instead, I stayed in hopes it would get better. In hopes that I could change them for the better.

Looking back at it, I feel even more dumb now because I never realized a relationship could feel this good. I'm surrounded by my friends who mostly have healthy, loving relationships, so how did I not know that it was possible for me to also have an amazing, loving, and healthy relationship?

Until now, I have never dated someone who was as into me as I was into them. Not only that, but I have never felt this level of comfort. I was so used to having extremely high levels of anxiety, I thought it was normal. That it was normal for my insecurities and anxiety get so severe that I would get panic attacks from all the overthinking I did. I thought it meant ‘I must really like them if my anxiety is this bad, I better not mess it up, so I don't lose them’. I never for a second considered that the anxiety I was getting was a warning sign. Maybe my gut was trying to tell me, it shouldn't be this difficult.

I didn’t know that a relationship could be so easy. I’m with someone who puts effort in. Someone who makes me feel beyond loved, valued, and supported. When I’m feeling anxious, he wants to listen to what’s going on in my head, and tries to help in anyway he can. He doesn’t just shrug off my irrational thoughts and fears, he truly listens and talks me through the anxiety. I have never had that in a relationship.

I have never had someone like all parts of me and my personality, or genuinely know who I am. I have always tried to hide the less favorable parts of my personality. The parts that I felt would either scare them off or I felt like they wouldn't be interested in. This isn't entirely their fault, they just never made me feel comfortable enough to want to open up to them 100%.

J may be the only person I've ever allowed myself to fully open up to. He is not scared or intimidated by the ugly anxious parts. I can be weird in front of him, and he'll barely blink an eye.

He's the first person who’s been patient with me when I’m having a tough time. I had always felt like I was unworthy to be in a relationship with the people I have dated in the past. They had made me feel like I couldn't do better. Like they were going to be the best person who was ever in my life. Over the years, I got close to believing them. After all the swiping on dating apps with no success, I thought that maybe I was going to be single for the rest of my life.

They couldn't be more wrong. Not only were they wrong about finding someone better (leaps and bounds ahead of them as a person), but I found someone who truly values me as a person. I'm in the happiest and healthiest relationship I've ever been in, and I can truly say that I deserve this. Not only that, but that I am worthy of a relationship as great as this one. And you know what? That's partially all cause of J.