i'm moving! i'm excited, but super anxious.

A few weeks ago, I said I had some exciting news. I didn’t mention what it was, but I said I was going to share soon. I didn’t want to say anything until it was official, but now it is. I’m moving! Not only that, but I’m officially moving in with my boyfriend! We signed our lease earlier this month, and will be in our place at the end of next month.

It’s been a pretty easy process, so that was a relief. This was the second place we looked at, before realizing that this was the place for us. The reviews were good, the space was great, it was newly renovated, it was close to our jobs, allowed large dogs, and it was in our price range (if you know anything about New Jersey, know that the cost of living is ridiculously expensive. Insurance, Rent, and housing prices)!

If you’ve been following this blog for any amount of time, you would know that I have been wanting to buy a house for as long as I could remember. It’s the one big ticket item that I’ve been saving up for, for years. And I know that things happened that’s out of my control (like my car flooding, so I had to buy a new car), so I know I have less savings that I should have.

Even then, I can’t say I’m not a little disappointed that buying a house at this point in time didn’t work out. As I mentioned before, the cost of living in NJ is not cheap, especially after covid. The prices of houses skyrocketed. After looking around seriously for about a year, there was nothing in my price range that caught my eye. Houses are overly inflated right now, and interest rates are very high as well.

My boyfriend had been ready for us to move in together this past January, so when I told him I wanted to stop looking at houses towards the end of February, he was ecstatic.

We got this beautiful 1000 sq foot place that has 1 bedroom, and a den/dining room space! We honestly could not have found a nicer place within our price range and in the area we wanted.

As excited as I am about this major change in my life, I can’t help but feel anxious throughout the process. Sometimes I’m struck with this paralyzing nervousness. I have never lived with anyone besides my family. I have never lived away from home. And while at times I have regretted the decision to not go away for college, I have always felt comfort in knowing my family was right there when I needed them.

This is completely unmarked territory for me.

I know I spend weekends and some weeknights at his place, but I’ve never seen a boyfriend for more than 7 days in a row (and while on vacation no less). What if he’s sick of me after two weeks? What if our relationship works because we don’t spend everyday together? What if he finally sees how affected I am by my depression and anxiety, and doesn’t want to stick around anymore?

Now, I know I have an amazing boyfriend. I truly do. I also know that these are all irrational anxious thoughts, and yet they are constantly bombarding my mind. It’s been truly exhausting. I know that I’m ready, I’ve been ready for a while. But I didn’t expect my mind to fight me as much on my decision.

Like I will be swirling with anxiety, talk it out with my boyfriend, and I will feel so much better. But that feeling doesn’t really last. I feel relief for maybe about 4-5 days, and then I’m hit again with another concern.

As we get closer to the move in date, these feelings have continued to feel worse. I feel so ready, but unprepared at the same time. I’m trying to calm my mind down by organizing all the things that can be pre-scheduled. We have our electricity, Wi-Fi, and gas all pre-scheduled. We bought a couch (we got it from Bob’s) and scheduled it to come when we move in. I splurged and bought myself an espresso machine, which 100% will be my pride and joy.

And all these purchases honestly made me feel better. Made me feel more at ease. Like I’m better prepared because I bought/did all of these things.

And then, another thought would pop into my head. For example this week I had the thought that I will never have less responsibilities than I do now. I will have more bills to pay, and have to budget even more. I won’t be able to save as much as I currently am.

And I know that moving out will be worth it to the both of us, even with less disposable income, and less money to put into savings. It’s just annoying to have these thoughts that make me feel more overwhelmed by something that should be exciting. That should be fun. I really just want the chance to feel happy, without feeling pulled down by all of these anxious thoughts.

I just hope that once I finally move in, my mind settles down. I feel like it’s been going a thousand thoughts a second, and I’m ready for it to quiet down a bit.