my walking diary.

Growing up with 3 other siblings wasn’t easy. To start off, I had to share a room with an annoying younger sister for all of my childhood and some of teenage years. I finally got my own room when I was 16 or 17, and it felt like a breath of fresh air.

Living in a house full of people, it was hard to feel like I had any of my space to call my own. I honestly still feel that way now, but we’re getting a little off topic.

Me and my sister didn’t have the best relationship growing up. We bickered and fought a lot. I think it was because we were just so different. Where I was more chatty and bubbly, she kept more to herself. She was a way more talented writer and drawer than I was (she still is). She was witty, sarcastic, and super smart. Not only that, but she was always so beautiful. I remember she would ramble on and on about features she was insecure or didn't like about herself, and I just didn't get it. To me, she was always the pretty sister, and somehow she didn't see it.

Even though we liked each other enough, I wouldn’t go as far to say that we were friends. We lived under the same household, which gave us enough things to have in common, but we didn’t necessarily stay up all night sharing secrets.

We both liked books and video games, but when we were younger, I didn’t really want her tagging along. When I was hanging out with my friends, I would get annoyed whenever my mom told me to include my sister.

It wasn’t until I was about 19-20, that our relationship started changing. We were both struggling mentally with things, and we clung to each other. I was constantly worried about her, and wanted to have her close to me. To keep her safe.

I felt like as long as she was with me, nothing could go wrong. Like I could protect her from anything.

I started inviting her to go almost everywhere with me, and during that time we grew extremely close. At the time, it was me, her, and my best friend.

Years have passed since then, and throughout that time she has gone from being just my sister, into something I could have never envisioned as a child. She is my best friend. My diary, the one I share everything with. The one I text, call, or video chat with whenever I want to talk (mind you we work together). The one I bounce ideas off of.

While I’m very blessed to say I’m close with all my siblings, I’m especially close to my sister. I don’t know if it’s cause she’s the only girl, or because we’re close enough in age. It may be all of those things.

At the same time, I know a lot of people who are not especially close to their siblings.

I don’t know what caused us to be as close to each other as we are, but I’m so lucky. I can’t envision doing life the way I have with anyone else other than her. Going on vacations, out to the bar, drunk game nights, and the list goes on.

I remember when her boyfriend came into the picture. I never disliked him, but I was so protective of my sister. My sister had just gotten out of a huge mental health funk, and I worried. A lot. What if he hurt her?

As someone who was so used to feeling like her protector, I had a bit of trouble grasping at the idea that someone else was going to be there for her. She didn’t necessarily need me in that way anymore. Maybe she never saw me in that way in the first place.

Even though worrying about her wellbeing was my main concern, it wasn’t my only one. I was worried about what it meant for our relationship. This is my best friend we’re talking about. What if he took her away from me? I’ve had tons of friends at the time who would disappear the moment they got a boyfriend. Would she not want to hang out as much?

I always thought of my sister as my person. If she dated this person, who was becoming increasingly important to her, would I no longer be her person? Would he replace what I was to her?

It’s silly to look back on now, but as someone who was recently getting out of two terrible relationships, it was hard to not think my sister was going to abandon me.

Fast forward to the present, that boyfriend from all those years ago is still in the picture. Not only do they happily live together, but I’m closer to my sister than ever before. I’m even friends with her boyfriend, which is a bonus.

Even though we don’t live in the same household anymore, it’s weird, because I feel like we’re closer because we choose to seek each other out verses only relying on the convenience of living in the same house.

It’s something I never expected when she moved out. When she initially told me she was planning on moving out, I was thrilled for her. Beyond excited, but in the back of my mind I couldn’t help but feel sad. My best friend was moving out. She was never going to be a flight of stairs away again.

And then I was once again proven wrong. Whenever we want to have a spontaneous chat we call or video chat, and we’re still there for each other at a moment’s notice.

Of course things are different now, I don’t have to protect her anymore. I haven’t had to do that for a while now. I’m there for her when she needs me, and she’s always been there for me. I will forever feel beyond blessed and grateful that I got the chance to meet her and be as close to her as I am because she’s my sister.