Trying on shorts from last summer.

This past week has been quite self-reflective. Growing up I was always petite and small. It wasn't until I was in around high school, that I started to feel self-conscious about my weight.

Two of my close friends at the time were fairly thin. Whenever we took pictures together I felt like the "fat" friend of the group. There was another girl in our friend group who would constantly berate herself and her body. It made me more aware of the imperfections my body had. I remember hanging out with her, and going home feeling terrible about myself.

I don't think she was aware of the negative affect she had on me. It definitely didn't come from a malicious place at all, she was just super aware and self-conscious of her body.

When we stopped being friends, I remember coming to the conclusion that while she wasn't a bad person, my friendship with her wasn't the healthiest.

Fast forward to now, where I did experience significant weight gain last year. It's crazy looking back at that time and realizing there was nothing wrong with the way I looked. I was actually really thin. I looked through pictures that I remember hating. Criticizing the way my calves looked or my arms, and now I'm confused as to why I felt that way in the first place.

It's weird to think about how our minds warp things.

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Over the weekend, I opened up my summer bin, to sort through which pieces I'll wear this summer, and which ones are going in the donation bag.

My least favorite thing about going through older clothes is figuring out what actually fits. My summer bin isn't only filled with clothes from last year, but from years prior (before the weight gain).

While I'm comfortable and confident with where my weight's at now, I have to say that when I try on clothes from before the weight gain, I feel terrible.

Over the winter I got rid of all the jeans/pants from before my weight gain. It felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. The pressure to try to fit into my old clothes, was there every time I opened that drawer. And now? It was no longer there. It was now filled with clothes that fit me properly.

While going through the shorts, I found a pair that I bought last year for my trip to Cuba. I bought them, and unfortunately they never fit. This year, I picked them up, and thought there's no way this is going to fit now.

I was surprised when I saw that they fit.

The satisfaction I felt knowing that the weight loss I saw on the scale has translated to fitting into a pair of shorts that couldn't close last Summer was insurmountable. I told my family and my best friend. I was so happy.

It's weird how weight gain/loss can have on my mood. Not only my mood, but even how I felt about my self-worth.

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It's taken me a while to come to terms with the idea of bodies constantly changing. We're continuously going through different stresses, eating different things, and switching up our lifestyles. It's unrealistic for me to think I'll always stay a size 00.

Trying to unlearn toxic thoughts about weight gain and how it relates to my self-worth has been challenging. Learning to accept my body through all of the phases it's been through, has been even tougher.

"In a society that profits from your self-doubt, liking yourself is a rebellious act"

- Caroline Caldwell

Every time I read that quote, I realize how true it is. From a young age, we are taught that if we buy/do x we'll be... fill in the blank. Society wants us to feel insecure so we can buy the latest makeup item, weight loss supplement, or on-trend piece of clothing.

Finding the balance between losing weight to be healthy and happy with myself, verses doing it with the intention of being more socially acceptable, is challenging. It's something that takes a lot of self-reflection and being honest with ourselves.

The last year, for the most part, has been about getting to a place where I feel happy with myself. I would be lying if I said that there weren't a few moments where I wanted to lose weight to feel more desirable.

It may not be the healthiest thought, I also think it's normal? Unlearning years and years of societal norms isn't going to disappear with the wave of a magic wand. It's going to take work, but I'm getting there.

My self-love journey has not been anything close to linear, but it's been a slow and steady uphill. I'm proud of how far I've come, and while I know I still have a lot of work to do, I'm going to bop til I reach the top (I know I know, Melina you're quoting from High School Musical? Sorry, I couldn't help myself!).

Sending you love, strength and positivity xx