I Need to Get Something Off My Chest.
I had something on my mind for the past few weeks. I went back and forth in my mind deciding whether I wanted to talk about something like this on my blog.
I finally decided that I should write it, and see if I like it or not. If you're reading this, I guess it got published.
I have always suffered from self-esteem issues. It got worse as my mental health got worse. Now when I'm talking about self-esteem, I'm not particularly talking about how I look physically. While that affects me from time to time, I have come to terms with the way I look.
I'm talking about my self-worth. This is something I have seriously struggled with for at least the last 7-8 years. I have never considered myself good enough. It stems from trying to be perfect. The perfect sibling, the perfect daughter, the perfect friend, the perfect girlfriend. I realize that I will never be perfect. I actually wrote a post about it (shameless promotion here). Most of the time it doesn't bother me.
Actually I already know I'm not the slightest bit close to perfect. In actuality I just don't think I'm good enough. I am so blessed to have an amazing group of friends and super supportive family members. I feel like they are all the best group of people I can have in my life. It makes me feel bad, because I feel like I am sub par. Why do they want to be my friend? Do they just feel bad for me? Are they just sticking around because they feel forced to? Why would they deal with me when there are so many better people out there? Are they actually talking shit behind my back? The list of mental questions go on and on.
The bottom line is that I don't feel worthy of being their friend. I feel like they could do so much better.
Now don't get me wrong, this isn't something that I feel every single day. I used to feel this way all the time, but now I only think these things when I get to my lowest low.
It's not even all my friends I feel this way towards. I have two friends, that I have known for about 10 years or more each, and for whatever reason these two girls, who have been my best friends for over a decade, are my exception. I never doubt our friendship. I have no idea why that is. They are actually usually right there next to me while I ugly cry about my doubts.
These ugly thoughts even make their way into my romantic relationships. You know that ex I always talk about? The terrible one? I even had doubts towards him! I would wonder why he was with me. I never felt worthy to be with someone like him. The funny thing is, looking back, was that he was lucky to have been with me. I have no idea why I would feel any other way. I was probably and will probably be the best he ever had. I am so proud of myself for being able to say that, no less actually believe it.
Right now I'm talking to this amazing boy, let's call him K. When I'm having a bad mental health day, I wonder 'what is he doing with a girl like me?'. Does he actually like me? Am I just a rebound to him while he finds someone better? Is he going to get tired of me? Again, the list goes on and on. I have no idea what made me like this. I wish I didn't feel this way more often than I'd like to admit. The worst thing is he nor any of my friends have ever done anything to make me feel these doubts towards them. Its weird how the mind works. Don't ask me why my mind doesn't play tricks on me with certain people and does for others.
That's the thing isn't it? These thoughts aren't the reality. Most of the time, when I am thinking rationally, these thoughts don't even cross my mind. I know these people love and care about me. I know they value our friendship. I know they genuinely enjoy my company and like seeing me.
The mind's incredible. Your brain can make you believe the most irrational thought in the world. That's what mental illness does to you, well to me at least. It makes me believe irrational thoughts that make me feel like utter and complete shit. At that moment and time there is no if, and, or buts, it's the truth. At that moment I am not good enough. I am not worthy. I genuinely believe it.
I never actually told him or most of my friends that I feel this way, so let's hope they never read this! I've been working on myself. Working on my positivity. It helps sometimes. It works most of the time.
There are still some days where I feel terrible about myself, but I guess that's life. I always wonder what it would be like to not have any mental issues. To not feel this way for no particular way.
I just wish people understood, I guess. I'm not being dramatic. I'm not exaggerating. I'm not writing this for pity or attention. This is how I feel. When I am in those funks, it is what my mind is telling me. It's what you believe in that moment. It's terrible.
I don't know the point of me writing this. I guess, I want to reassure people that Mental Illness is real. That while my life looks fun, lavish, and even perfect to some, there is more to my life than the 10 minutes you watch my YouTube video, read my post, or look at my Snapchat stories. I want you to know that for those of you who suffer like me, you are not alone. You might feel that way. Your mind may make you believe it, but you are NOT alone. I, among all those who care for you, are there to help you along the way.
I'm going to apologize in advance if this doesn't make sense. I really hope it does make sense. I hope it helps someone in some type of way.
As always, if you have any comments, questions, or concerns, leave a comment below. I hope you guys all have a wonderful day/night. Sending you all love and positive vibes. Stay happy, stay healthy.
-Melina xxx
Well done you! I know it's not easy getting personal online, but it's definitely worth it! You have absolutely nothing to worry about however, you're an amazing person inside and out and I'm sure your friends and family feel exactly the same. I have a real up and down relationship with my self-esteem, especially since losing a bit of weight x
http://www.sheintheknow.co.uk
I'm sorry to hear that love! Just know that what's on the outside has nothing to do with how amazing you are on the inside. I know your physical appearance can have an effect on how you feel about yourself, but just know that the biggest critic is yourself. Stay strong, and if you need someone to talk to, I'm here xxx
Thank you so much for writing this post, it makes me feel so much better knowing that I'm not alone. I don't know, maybe this isn't as much of an issue for me as it is for you, but I can definitely relate. Questioning my self worth has led to me having so little confidence. I've always been the quiet one in groups of people. I will never be the first person to talk to someone because I fear they don't want to talk to me and that I will just be annoying me. Even if someone does start talking to me, it takes me a while to start talking to them properly because I literally don't believe the fact someone would want to talk to me... i think that because I question my self worth.
Aleeha xXx
http://www.halesaaw.co.uk/
You are worth so much. You have more worth than you know. I realized that, and while it took me a while, I know that you also deserve the world. If you ever want someone to talk to, I'm here love xxx
This post. You're so, so brave to write down all of your thoughts about this, and even braver to share them with the world. You are not alone in feeling this way - I have the very same thoughts more often than not. It is hard, sometimes impossible to get rid of such thoughts, but it happens, all we need to do is remain positive, try and see these good sides of who we are, try and remember the days where we are actually feeling content, or even just a little glimpse of happiness at what we do, what we say, who we are. These days happen. It's okay to feel this way. You're not alone in this, not at all. You're a pretty fabulous person, Melina, and I hope you'll remember all the positive thoughts and beautiful comments I read above on this post, sharing the love. <3
Thank you so much Marie. This post got way more of a response than I could ever imagine. I hope this post helps other people, because seeing all these people who can relate definitely helped me xx
Really really happy you shared this! And I can tell you you’re not alone dear. Mental issues makes every emotion stronger and you can really be your own worst enemy.. for me it makes me feel better to see I’m not alone about this. To feel not worthy even to ppl who treat you really bad!! Ty for writing down and sharing? the ppl who deserves you will be there no matter how sick you are. We often feel shame over our mental issues and scared that they will leave if they see the “true us”
Thank you for messaging, getting comments like this make me so happy that I faced my fears and wrote this post and actually published it. I'm here if you need someone to talk to xxx
Ty so much dear❤️ and so lovely to meet you
You are not alone. My therapist has been doing EMDR with me working on my feelings of being damaged and my fears that no matter what I decide to do it will turn out wrong. Perfection, especially in other peoples' eyes, is clearly not something I'd want to strive for. It's best to accept who we are, try to be what WE want to be, and to realise that our differences are beautiful. Self-acceptance can seem so hard (it certainly is for me), but it lifts a huge weight if we can achieve it. I think you're a doll and immensely interesting. You ARE very worthy.
I know it sounds easy for me to say, but I'm talking to myself too. I have abandonment and rejection issues related to being kidnapped from my natural mother at 5 weeks, taken from my foster mother at 5 months, and my upbringing and the things that were said and done to me as an adoptee.
We are worth it.
P.S.: I love ALL of these photos of you - they're wonderful!
P.P.S.: I just did my 1st blog post in over a year!!!: http://www.full-brief-panties.blogspot.com/2017/10/lingerie-review-of-full-brief-panties.html
Thank you for the beyond thoughtful and kind comment. I'm excited to read your first post! xx
The part of "these thoughts aren't reality" is something I've been going through too. I can relate.
If you need someone to talk to I'm here. Especially if you can relate. Thanks for commenting love xxx
Perfectionism is a cure and a disease. It helps me to work harder and yet it also never allows me to be content. I sometimes go into deep analysis where I ask myself - what happened in my life to make me not feel good enough? Or why do I think that I am any less than this person?
I know that we have never met in real life, but I can tell through your writing that you are an amazing person. These types of posts are really therapeutic - even if I do not feel any different after posting. It completely makes sense and I think that when you aspire to do everything great, you put so many eggs into different baskets and then you cannot watch them all. I really understand it though and I think solving the issue has a lot to do with be aware of our minds and stopping the negative thoughts before they continue to manifester. A process which i am still working on! xx
I COMPLETELY RELATE TO THIS! What happened in my life to feel this way about myself?
Thank you so so much for the wonderful comment. This means more than you will ever know. You and me can work on each other together. I will always build you up xxx
And likewise! Such a sweet comment . i am definitely here for anything. xxx
Hi Melina! This post definitely made sense and I can understand exactly what you mean. I think it's very normal and human to suffer with these thoughts, and to strive to be perfect while knowing that this isn't possible. I guess the trick really is to try and see yourself from other people's perspective and recognise that you never question why you love other people, you just DO, because of who they are. Thank you so much for sharing this with us -I know how scary it can be to put your thoughts out there! x
Thank you so much for reading and for leaving such a lovely and thoughtful comment. xxx
I definitely have low moments where I question myself and wonder. All of these feelings are so human and easy to believe no matter how bogus they can be. I like how open you are about it. It's easy to keep such personal things to ourselves but I always appreciate when someone steps out to talk about it! Xx Jen
Thanks Jen. I know it's normal for people to feel this way, and yet, I still feel left out and feeling like I'm the only way who feels this way. I guess people are good at hiding how they feel, huh? Thanks for reading xxx
It makes total sense to me. I to struggle and I understand the thoughts you have at times. Thanks for sharing 🙂
Well done you for writing this - I've certainly had these thoughts make their way into almost every aspect of my life and it's not pretty. I struggle to deal with it myself, let alone write about it so eloquently for the world to read. I definitely think "why are they putting up with me" when it comes to my friends and that special someone, but I've come to find that if you have lots of love to give, you often get even more in return. Perhaps, they're feeling even more doubtful about it than you are, and they just need you to make that first move to reassure them. Could be anything from a phone call to inviting them out for a drink after work. I hope it works out with K, sending you lots of hugs and positivity xxx
https://thenellybean.com
Thank you so much for such a lovely response. It means a lot to me to get such a positive reaction. This was extremely difficult to write, but I love knowing that some people are going through the same and can completely relate. I really appreciate you reading my post. It means more than you will ever know. You guys will definitely be given an update on K if all goes well 🙂 xx
We can't wait to read it, and we'll be rooting for you! <3 xx
Melina, I want to start by saying how brave something like this is. You should be proud of yourself for putting your thoughts and feelings out to the world in the way you have. I know it may seem like second nature for a blogger as yourself, but it's hard to admit feelings you never told to people before. I don't know of many people who could say they have done what you just did here, so be proud for having such courage. Seriously.
I think there is some level of the feelings you described in those who care about the people around them. We are constantly looking to better ourselves to, in-turn, provide a better self to those we interact with. I always think to myself that I don't deserve how good my girlfriend is to me, so I will bust my butt to make sure she gets the best version of the Louie she signed-up to date. So in a way, I think your feels are justifiable and could be looked at as a sign of compassion and appreciation for all life around you, including those crummy exs! Haha.
Lastly, I think posting something like this will serve you well in your healing and meditation through this process. I say that because I often times find myself bottling emotions inside my head, only for them to manifest into an anxiety filled roller-coaster ride. Often times this bottling of emotions leads to an outcome that could have been avoided if I just spoke my thoughts out loud to someone. We sometimes need to see the words on paper, screen, or hear the words to understand how to tackle the situation at hand.
You will be pleasantly surprised to see how much support there is around you. I can assure you that your worries will be met with people actually looking up to you as a role-model because of how much you care about those who are in your inner circles.
Thank you so much for reading, and for such a thoughtful and long comment. It means a lot. This post was super difficult for me to write and even more difficult to post. I was so drained after writing this post, I literally cuddled in my sheets and went to bed extremely early. I am so happy that the response to this post has been so positive! Thank you Louis xx